The tests results this week were good. My father is well, weak and tired but overall his health is good.
I, on the other hand, I am tired and depressed.
I just found out that I have a bunch of cysts on both sides of my thyroid. One of these cysts is over 2 cm and because of that I have to see a specialist and have either a biopsy done or a CT scan. I know is nothing to be scared of because it can be treated or removed but just the simple fact that I have to go through all kind of tests is just too much for me now.
Of course I am not going to tell this to my parents to not make them worry, I am just saying.
On top of all of this, Ovi went to the dentist to fix some problems and yesterday almost had a heart attack when he received the bill...one bridge 4000 dollars which we do not have...so credit line it is..He said this was the last time in his life that he went to see a dentist...and that until all his teeth will fall off he never going to have any repair done...Sad isn't it?
I tried to make a list with what makes me happy and with what makes me unhappy. And although the things that make me happy are more numerous, the things that make me unhappy weight more.
What do I want for Christmas this year?
That is easy: I want my father to be cured, I want my family to be well, I want all my dear friends to be happy and healthy. I want all bad things to disappear.
Was I good this year? I guess I will have to wait and see.
God bless.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Nearly three weeks of treatment
The treatment is going well. My father still feels fine, no major health issues. He got a cold out of nowhere and he feels tired. The treatment will end on the 3rd of January. He said that his doctor Mr Klekner is a great man, kind and knowledgeable. Father trusts his doctor. Tuesday the doctor will take another set of blood tests. The doctor thinks that father has some kind of bladder problems. I guess we will need to wait till Tuesday to see what is all about.
Mirela succeeded to buy the last 5 boxes with temodal in Pitesti my home town. Magda is going to Hungary on the 16th of December and gets back on the 17th. We do not trust the post service to send the temodal to my father by mail.
Is getting harder and harder to find this treatment, we will have to have this stress forever now. Every month is another challenge.
Mom seemed to me fine, we all know that is not true but she is a strong woman, aren't we all?
I gained weight like crazy since all this started. I eat on stress.
I still have days when I cry and I feel gray but this is not about me. Life goes on and dad is still alive, what more do I need?
Mirela succeeded to buy the last 5 boxes with temodal in Pitesti my home town. Magda is going to Hungary on the 16th of December and gets back on the 17th. We do not trust the post service to send the temodal to my father by mail.
Is getting harder and harder to find this treatment, we will have to have this stress forever now. Every month is another challenge.
Mom seemed to me fine, we all know that is not true but she is a strong woman, aren't we all?
I gained weight like crazy since all this started. I eat on stress.
I still have days when I cry and I feel gray but this is not about me. Life goes on and dad is still alive, what more do I need?
Monday, November 29, 2010
The end of the first week of treatment
I spoke with my mom on Saturday. Dad started to be depressed lately. He feels OK, however he is feeling weak. He also cannot believe that he has cancer as, according to him, he does not feel that sick...he associates this illness with being in bed and waiting to die. His brother had stomach cancer and died in exact six months. My father was devastated. His brother was only 55 when this happened.
My father said that he is like a leaf in the wind, where ever the wind blows he goes..I am not sure what is the meaning of that, but I believe that he is scared.
Tomorrow he will have all blood tests done and we will see if the level of his blood cells is lower than before starting the treatment.
The radiation will last for 42 days. So we still have 37 to go as during the weekends does not have any and he started on TTuesday last week.
In four months he needs to go back to Debrecen for an MRI to see if the brain is clear of any tumor. We will not think about that now, or at least we will try not to think of that now.
My sisters appear to be OK, not too sure about that, Magda promised me that she will go and see a doctor and have some tests done. We will see if she actually keeps this promise.
Roxana's baby is OK, he has anemia but his heart does not make funny noises anymore.
Mirela is still on a run with my father's medication.
Mom seems positive but I know she must be exhausted.
Last week, on Friday I sent the money that I received from donations, initially I wanted to send them on Thursday but I did not have the SWIFT code of the bank in Romania. It will take at least a week to get in the account.
Thank you guys again for everything.
God bless.
My father said that he is like a leaf in the wind, where ever the wind blows he goes..I am not sure what is the meaning of that, but I believe that he is scared.
Tomorrow he will have all blood tests done and we will see if the level of his blood cells is lower than before starting the treatment.
The radiation will last for 42 days. So we still have 37 to go as during the weekends does not have any and he started on TTuesday last week.
In four months he needs to go back to Debrecen for an MRI to see if the brain is clear of any tumor. We will not think about that now, or at least we will try not to think of that now.
My sisters appear to be OK, not too sure about that, Magda promised me that she will go and see a doctor and have some tests done. We will see if she actually keeps this promise.
Roxana's baby is OK, he has anemia but his heart does not make funny noises anymore.
Mirela is still on a run with my father's medication.
Mom seems positive but I know she must be exhausted.
Last week, on Friday I sent the money that I received from donations, initially I wanted to send them on Thursday but I did not have the SWIFT code of the bank in Romania. It will take at least a week to get in the account.
Thank you guys again for everything.
God bless.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Temodal - the rare and expensive pill for chemo
Since this cancer started I found out that a treatment for such a illness is extremely expensive. My sister Mirela is "in charge" with acquiring the treatment from all transactions and sources. In Romania the treatment should be purchased through "The Insurance House" which is something like our medical insurance. The only thing is that the pharmacies are not willing to provide such a treatment because they will wait forever and ever to get the money back from the "insurance house". There is the rumor saying that the state will cease financing this illness.
The people that are sick of cancer are registered and the treatment is released to them monthly. The pharmacy that Mirela ordered the treatment from - this temodal, and some other cancer pills, had to bring the treatment from all over Romania, this difficult is to find it.. So you end up paying the treatment and then pray that maybe you get some money back from the state. One pill of temodal of 100 mg is 100 Euros. This is simply stupid and insane..For starting the treatment, us the girls, we gathered the money from donations, our credit lines and our economies. The amount of money that my father receives for his retirement is around 500 Euros per month. You do the math.
I tried to find the temodal in Canada but I need a prescription from here which of course I have not.
These are the prices...are you kidding me?
Mirela said that she does not have time to worry about father being sick due to chemo and radiation, because she needs to worry about finding the treatment, purchase it and sending it to Hungary to my dad.
When father will return to Romania, he will have to continue the treatment with more milligrams (meaning 250 mg) than he takes now.
I started dealing better with the grief, however my doctor thinks that I am burnt out. The doctor asked me if I want to see a grief counselor, and she suggested some treatment for my new acquired state of mind. I said no. I will deal with this on my own terms. Magda is really down and Mirela is trying to convince her to see a counselor. Magda also said no. Roxana is stressed but she is handling well because her new born, she is focusing to something beautiful and pure which is the best therapy.
Between my night school and work, I have to figure out a solution for the future treatment of my father. I feel like a mouse on the treadmill. I do not see yet the solution, I am not in control and I am simply tired.
I just have to take one day at the time and let God do the rest.
The people that are sick of cancer are registered and the treatment is released to them monthly. The pharmacy that Mirela ordered the treatment from - this temodal, and some other cancer pills, had to bring the treatment from all over Romania, this difficult is to find it.. So you end up paying the treatment and then pray that maybe you get some money back from the state. One pill of temodal of 100 mg is 100 Euros. This is simply stupid and insane..For starting the treatment, us the girls, we gathered the money from donations, our credit lines and our economies. The amount of money that my father receives for his retirement is around 500 Euros per month. You do the math.
I tried to find the temodal in Canada but I need a prescription from here which of course I have not.
These are the prices...are you kidding me?
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| * A prescription is required for Temodal. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Mirela said that she does not have time to worry about father being sick due to chemo and radiation, because she needs to worry about finding the treatment, purchase it and sending it to Hungary to my dad.
When father will return to Romania, he will have to continue the treatment with more milligrams (meaning 250 mg) than he takes now.
I started dealing better with the grief, however my doctor thinks that I am burnt out. The doctor asked me if I want to see a grief counselor, and she suggested some treatment for my new acquired state of mind. I said no. I will deal with this on my own terms. Magda is really down and Mirela is trying to convince her to see a counselor. Magda also said no. Roxana is stressed but she is handling well because her new born, she is focusing to something beautiful and pure which is the best therapy.
Between my night school and work, I have to figure out a solution for the future treatment of my father. I feel like a mouse on the treadmill. I do not see yet the solution, I am not in control and I am simply tired.
I just have to take one day at the time and let God do the rest.
Us
This photo was taken in 2008 when I visited them for my mother's 60th birthday. It feels like 100 years ago. We were actually happy back then. All of us.
In order : mom, Geanina, Magda, Mirela, Roxana and dad.
In order : mom, Geanina, Magda, Mirela, Roxana and dad.
First day of radiation therapy and chemo in Debrecen
My father started the treatment. Yesterday he started chemo. Originally he should have started the radiation same day however the technician thought that he needs a second simulation.
Today he went and had a second simulation, it appears that it was good in the first place. There is a mask that he needs to wear every treatment which is strapped around the neck, back of head, etc .
Yesterday the technician strapped him too tight around the neck and because of that father swallowed too often. As a result the mask had a small deviation from where it supposed to be placed for the beam of radiations. This mask has also a hole on exact spot where the tumor used to be, so the radiation will hit only that portion of the brain leaving the rest of it intact.
Today everything went well. He did not have any pain nor nausea caused by the treatment. It looks too good to be true, but we are positive and we are continuing this journey.
Mom is positive as well, the anxiety of being by themselves in a foreign country started to dissipate.
They met there several other Romanian patients mostly from Transylvania. They heard other people cancer stories and they started to get their hope back.
Next week on Tuesday father will have blood tests done as part of the follow up of the first week of treatment.
I still have that knot in my stomach that it does not seem to disappear. I wonder why.
As for my funds raising, it went very well. Thank you everybody who contributed to this. Words cannot begin to describe how grateful I feel.
I have some pics that my sister Magda took when she left my parents in Debrecen.
It looks nice, but of course my parents do not seem to be aware of how nice are the surroundings. Probably they are still scared.
Today he went and had a second simulation, it appears that it was good in the first place. There is a mask that he needs to wear every treatment which is strapped around the neck, back of head, etc .
Yesterday the technician strapped him too tight around the neck and because of that father swallowed too often. As a result the mask had a small deviation from where it supposed to be placed for the beam of radiations. This mask has also a hole on exact spot where the tumor used to be, so the radiation will hit only that portion of the brain leaving the rest of it intact.
Today everything went well. He did not have any pain nor nausea caused by the treatment. It looks too good to be true, but we are positive and we are continuing this journey.
Mom is positive as well, the anxiety of being by themselves in a foreign country started to dissipate.
They met there several other Romanian patients mostly from Transylvania. They heard other people cancer stories and they started to get their hope back.
Next week on Tuesday father will have blood tests done as part of the follow up of the first week of treatment.
I still have that knot in my stomach that it does not seem to disappear. I wonder why.
As for my funds raising, it went very well. Thank you everybody who contributed to this. Words cannot begin to describe how grateful I feel.
I have some pics that my sister Magda took when she left my parents in Debrecen.
It looks nice, but of course my parents do not seem to be aware of how nice are the surroundings. Probably they are still scared.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
First day of my father in Hungary - Debrecen
Today was the simulation day for the radiations. I did not know that there is such a thing, however it appears that he needs this thing before starting the real treatment. There is a Romanian nurse that will perform the radiation therapy and this is a bonus.
I do not have any updates on his state of mind, however we all hope that he will be strong and brave to go ahead with the treatment. Brain cancer is not an easy situation to find yourself in, it is actually horrible but that is life. You cannot have it all.
I will post any new info on his health, hopefully I will get some updates every day.
I do not have any updates on his state of mind, however we all hope that he will be strong and brave to go ahead with the treatment. Brain cancer is not an easy situation to find yourself in, it is actually horrible but that is life. You cannot have it all.
I will post any new info on his health, hopefully I will get some updates every day.
The sales day
Today was a grand day in terms of sells. Yes the penguins cards sold like crazy, the beaded trees, the Christmas trees as well.
I want to thank everybody who bought the Christmas decorations, paintings and cards, I deeply appreciate your support.
Special thanks to Roxane and Laura for the help with the sales.
Thank you for everything. God bless.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The sale - come and support my cause
The pieces that we created this past weekend will be sold at the Craft Sale organized on the 18th of November at Statistics Canada, building Jean Talon. All the money raised by selling them will go to my father's treatment against cancer. I want to invite everyone to come and see them. I will also have the paintings with me as well as some beautiful hand made cards.
I want to tell you that I have been touched by the angels this past weekend, they DO exist and they are among us.
Thank you girls for helping me and thank you my friends from my first place of work in Canada (I am not sure if I can say the name without being accused of making advertising, can I?) your donations were amazing and the gesture absolutely angelic. Not only that you are great professionals you also are an example for any other human being.
Thank you Arlene, Sylviane, Lynne, Duneshka, Esther, Karen, Lorelai and Cristina. Your work this weekend was lovely. I love you all. I may have been tough on you and sometimes transparent but is me Geanina...the detail freak..Sorry lovelies, you are the best!
Thank you Laura for going through the "pain" with the craft paper and the decoupage of the penguins for my cards..
Next step is the sale and I hope everything will go well. I will keep you updated.
God bless!
I want to tell you that I have been touched by the angels this past weekend, they DO exist and they are among us.
Thank you girls for helping me and thank you my friends from my first place of work in Canada (I am not sure if I can say the name without being accused of making advertising, can I?) your donations were amazing and the gesture absolutely angelic. Not only that you are great professionals you also are an example for any other human being.
Thank you Arlene, Sylviane, Lynne, Duneshka, Esther, Karen, Lorelai and Cristina. Your work this weekend was lovely. I love you all. I may have been tough on you and sometimes transparent but is me Geanina...the detail freak..Sorry lovelies, you are the best!
Thank you Laura for going through the "pain" with the craft paper and the decoupage of the penguins for my cards..
Next step is the sale and I hope everything will go well. I will keep you updated.
God bless!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Status update
My parents went this week to Debrecen - Hungary. They are already on their way back home. They will go back however for the treatment.My father was told by the doctors that he has cancer and that he may live from two to five years if the treatment goes well. While us the girls were happy hearing this news, for him this was a death sentence. I wonder what does he feels, what is he thinking when trying to fall asleep..I wonder if he still has broken dreams and unfinished business, I wonder if he is angry at his fate. I wonder if he is scared..
The treatment starts next week on the 18th of November. My mom will accompany him and together will be in Debrecen for six weeks, alone by themselves for the first time in the past 43 years. This will be their first Christmas without any of their children, grand-children or friends, away from home in a place where no-one speaks their language. I wonder how they must feel because I know exactly how it feels..
I was one time in line to buy a coffee from the heart Institute. While waiting I was listening a conversation between two men. I heard that one of the patients that supposed to have a heart transplant that morning, decided to call it quits while on the surgery table and exactly before he was about to be operated.
If you were to have the choice of getting a new heart and have 50-50 chances of living or dying same day, what would you choose? The 50-50 chances or the status quo for few other months? Will you take the chance of having a life full of new experiences or to die on the spot, or would you build memories with your family and wait to die in few months. Think about it. Every healthy person will tell you that they will chose the 50-50. Every ill person will tell you that they will just live those few months left to live. My point is that you do not really know how it feels to take such a decision until it happens to you.
The cost of the treatment so far is around 6000 euros of which 1000 is the rental in the Campus area, 1000 is the radiation treatment, 3500 is the cost of the drugs for chemo and the rest is any additional test that he may get while in treatment.
Saturday I am holding a craft workshop at my place where 10 beautiful women will help me produce Christmas decorations and center pieces for my craft sale on the 18 of November. And although the reason of this get together is a sad one, the fact that we get to do something so great and beautiful it makes the reunion joyful and exciting.
Thank you to all my friends for support, it is a time of grief and need, but is a time of hope and human cohesion.
I will keep you updated with my father's health status throughout the treatment. I will call them tomorrow to hear my father and his feed back.
God bless.
The treatment starts next week on the 18th of November. My mom will accompany him and together will be in Debrecen for six weeks, alone by themselves for the first time in the past 43 years. This will be their first Christmas without any of their children, grand-children or friends, away from home in a place where no-one speaks their language. I wonder how they must feel because I know exactly how it feels..
I was one time in line to buy a coffee from the heart Institute. While waiting I was listening a conversation between two men. I heard that one of the patients that supposed to have a heart transplant that morning, decided to call it quits while on the surgery table and exactly before he was about to be operated.
If you were to have the choice of getting a new heart and have 50-50 chances of living or dying same day, what would you choose? The 50-50 chances or the status quo for few other months? Will you take the chance of having a life full of new experiences or to die on the spot, or would you build memories with your family and wait to die in few months. Think about it. Every healthy person will tell you that they will chose the 50-50. Every ill person will tell you that they will just live those few months left to live. My point is that you do not really know how it feels to take such a decision until it happens to you.
The cost of the treatment so far is around 6000 euros of which 1000 is the rental in the Campus area, 1000 is the radiation treatment, 3500 is the cost of the drugs for chemo and the rest is any additional test that he may get while in treatment.
Saturday I am holding a craft workshop at my place where 10 beautiful women will help me produce Christmas decorations and center pieces for my craft sale on the 18 of November. And although the reason of this get together is a sad one, the fact that we get to do something so great and beautiful it makes the reunion joyful and exciting.
Thank you to all my friends for support, it is a time of grief and need, but is a time of hope and human cohesion.
I will keep you updated with my father's health status throughout the treatment. I will call them tomorrow to hear my father and his feed back.
God bless.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Father decided to go to Debrecen - Hungary
The latest news, that I got only few hours ago, is that Magda and Mirela explained to our father the choices that he has in terms of the treatment. He was a little upset when they got to his place, saying that he does not appreciate the fact that they are taking decisions for him and that they are forcing him to go to Cluj (the clinic in Transilvania - Romania). He also said that he believes that he would have been better with the tumor instead of doing the surgery. The girls were patient, listened what he had to say and then told him that the tumor that he had is called glioblastome and that it is very aggressive and without surgery the life expectancy is of six weeks. Father was very surprised and he said: "that means I would have been dead for two weeks now..". My sisters then started to tell him how we translated his file, how we found contacts, how we sent all these info to all kind of specialists around the world. They told him that we did not want to tell him and to mom anything until we had facts and a plan. He was impressed by our team work, I guess we impressed him again. The first time he was really impressed was while in the hospital, he couldn't believe that we came up with a shift plan, and with all those details.. Dad is very difficult to impressed. Before this horrific experience, we never actually impressed him in any way. At least he never let that show, that's for sure..
Tomorrow my brother in law Bogdan - Roxana's husband, will drive them to Hungary for the first appointment with the doctor. We will see how it goes and then we will also get the exact amount of the treatment.
I still have butterflies in my stomach, and until I see his first reaction to the treatment I cannot be at peace.
God help us, I love you dad.
Tomorrow my brother in law Bogdan - Roxana's husband, will drive them to Hungary for the first appointment with the doctor. We will see how it goes and then we will also get the exact amount of the treatment.
I still have butterflies in my stomach, and until I see his first reaction to the treatment I cannot be at peace.
God help us, I love you dad.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Sending Me Angels
Sending Me Angels
(Jerry Lynn Williams/Frankie Miller)
I walked down to the river
Stood on the shore
Seems like the devil's always
Tryin' to get in my door
Just when I thought I couldn't
Take any more He keeps sending me angels
From up on high
He keeps sending me angels
To teach me to fly
He keeps sending me angels
Sweet and true He keeps sending me angels
Just like you As I stand on this mountain
Face to the wind
Amazed at the number of
Times we've all sinned
And the countless enemies
That should've been friends
Oh, here he comes again He keeps sending me angels
Here they come a flyin'
He keeps sending me angels
To keep me from cryin'
He keeps sending me angels
So I won't be blue
He keeps sending me angels
Just like you Some say that it's comin'
I say it's already here
The love that's among us
Through the joy and the fear
When I look into your eyes
Everything is so clear
My friend, here he comes again He keep sending me angels
From up on high
He keeps sending me angels
To teach me to fly
He keeps sending me angels
Sweet and true
He keeps sending me angels
Just like youThe night at the intensive care
We were all there together, only Roxi was missing. They transported my father to an even smaller room than before. This room is an intensive care room, the after surgery room. There tree beds in this tiny room, two men and a woman. They plugged father at heart monitors, breathing monitors and IV's. He is at the end of this very small room, by the bathroom.
The nurses had pity of us and allowed us, one by one, to go and look at father from the door. We could not go inside now because of "the visit". Then they said that we are to many and they shoo-ed us out. Mirela said she will stay with father now. We forced mom to go to change and sleep at Roxi's house. . Magda and her husband Visu needed to go back home and return to their son and to their work. I went with them too, I wanted to take a shower and then to come back. We were not talking too much on our way to Roxana's apartment.. We all tired, worried and sad.
WE got to Roxana's place, and of course we had to limit ourselves in divulging any information. Mom told her some details, never saying the word ''tumor'. I am not even sure at this point if Roxi is aware of what really is going on or not. Roxi had contractions all day. We were afraid that she will give birth premature and we couldn't have that ...especially with everything else going on. No-one will be there for her, other than her husband. That was sad as fact but very true..I went to take the shower. It was Tuesday night. The day that I first cry since I arrived. I wanted to scream but I could not because they will hear me. So I cried silently, suffocating with my tears. After taking the shower and changing my clothes I went downstairs. Mirela already had called..she absolutely needed me there at the hospital.
Magda and Visu left me at the hospital on their way to their home which home is 120 km away. It was 9 pm.
I paid the guard, I told him that I am one of the daughters of the man with four daughters...'I am the one from Canada" I added. He knew about us and he let me in after folding the money in his pocket.
When in the hospital, everybody gets to know everybody.. We do not have names but we are defined by the sick ones, we are theirs.... we belong to them.
There is the daughter of the women with inoperable tumor, there is the wife of the 27 years old in coma due to random beating on the street, there is the mother in law of the young 28 biology teacher that had a stroke, there is the wife of such and such, etc.
Is weird how are we defined not by our good deeds or by our sins, but by our loved ones. Did ever notice that? We are defined by our pain, and by our hopes.
I found Mirela by father's bed. She looked sick already. Her beautiful skin looks darker and she has dark circles around her big brown eyes. When she sought me the light got back in her eyes.
My father woke up briefly and he grabbed my sister hand and squeezed hard, he tried to remove his IV, and he broke his ties (as he was tied up to the bed handle). Mirela was terrified and in shock especially since she did not see him like this ever in her life. Last time she met my father was the day before he got admitted to the hospital and back then he was still himself.
I realized what is she is going through so I told her to come out from the room and that I will replace her.
We decided to do shifts of two hours each. When one of us will be inside with my father the other one will be outside in the hall. We also brought a folding chair for the one outside.
The hours were going very slow..The hearth monitor was doing funny noises and will have different colours coming up..At first I panicked, but one of the ladies in the room (which was there for her daughter in law) told me that this is normal and to not get scared.
This night we were so lucky: we had a nurse that actually cared about the people in the ICU. Of course we took care of her, but she would have been human even if we did not.
Then the other luck was that the anaesthesist was there too that night, and although she refused the money, and she was so abrupt with us at the begining, she was really there for my father. I gave her a hug and she did not expect that to happen. The doctors have status of Gods in Romania, and in general you do not touch The Gods. This Godess of ours was indeed a very good professional and passionate lady. I must say the whole team of doctors was fantastic: highly professional, the best in their business.
None of them wanted to accept money, at least not for the time been. They all wanted to make sure my father survived and was well first.
Father opened his eyes again. He looked at me and he wshispered: "send Mirela home". I looked at him, I want to cry again, but I am happy that he talks and that he recognize us.."No, dad, I cannot do that, see we are here both of us, and she cares for you, so I cannot ask her to go..". He couldn't talk very well as he had a tube down his throat, but he made the effort saying: "Send her home to her child, is not good for her to stay here with me, she shouldn't be here..". I knew why is saying that, he was just affraid that she will get scared and cry and get sick. That's my father: always thinking about his girls. I ignored his demand and I continued talking: " You are looking good dad, you did great, I am so proud of you..you need to drink water...I love you dad, we all do..you must get well now, ok?". I took his hand and I kissed it. He had a tear on the corner of his eye. "I love you dad", I keep saying that in my head, and I continue"Thank you God".
The nurses had pity of us and allowed us, one by one, to go and look at father from the door. We could not go inside now because of "the visit". Then they said that we are to many and they shoo-ed us out. Mirela said she will stay with father now. We forced mom to go to change and sleep at Roxi's house. . Magda and her husband Visu needed to go back home and return to their son and to their work. I went with them too, I wanted to take a shower and then to come back. We were not talking too much on our way to Roxana's apartment.. We all tired, worried and sad.
WE got to Roxana's place, and of course we had to limit ourselves in divulging any information. Mom told her some details, never saying the word ''tumor'. I am not even sure at this point if Roxi is aware of what really is going on or not. Roxi had contractions all day. We were afraid that she will give birth premature and we couldn't have that ...especially with everything else going on. No-one will be there for her, other than her husband. That was sad as fact but very true..I went to take the shower. It was Tuesday night. The day that I first cry since I arrived. I wanted to scream but I could not because they will hear me. So I cried silently, suffocating with my tears. After taking the shower and changing my clothes I went downstairs. Mirela already had called..she absolutely needed me there at the hospital.
Magda and Visu left me at the hospital on their way to their home which home is 120 km away. It was 9 pm.
I paid the guard, I told him that I am one of the daughters of the man with four daughters...'I am the one from Canada" I added. He knew about us and he let me in after folding the money in his pocket.
When in the hospital, everybody gets to know everybody.. We do not have names but we are defined by the sick ones, we are theirs.... we belong to them.
There is the daughter of the women with inoperable tumor, there is the wife of the 27 years old in coma due to random beating on the street, there is the mother in law of the young 28 biology teacher that had a stroke, there is the wife of such and such, etc.
Is weird how are we defined not by our good deeds or by our sins, but by our loved ones. Did ever notice that? We are defined by our pain, and by our hopes.
I found Mirela by father's bed. She looked sick already. Her beautiful skin looks darker and she has dark circles around her big brown eyes. When she sought me the light got back in her eyes.
My father woke up briefly and he grabbed my sister hand and squeezed hard, he tried to remove his IV, and he broke his ties (as he was tied up to the bed handle). Mirela was terrified and in shock especially since she did not see him like this ever in her life. Last time she met my father was the day before he got admitted to the hospital and back then he was still himself.
I realized what is she is going through so I told her to come out from the room and that I will replace her.
We decided to do shifts of two hours each. When one of us will be inside with my father the other one will be outside in the hall. We also brought a folding chair for the one outside.
The hours were going very slow..The hearth monitor was doing funny noises and will have different colours coming up..At first I panicked, but one of the ladies in the room (which was there for her daughter in law) told me that this is normal and to not get scared.
This night we were so lucky: we had a nurse that actually cared about the people in the ICU. Of course we took care of her, but she would have been human even if we did not.
Then the other luck was that the anaesthesist was there too that night, and although she refused the money, and she was so abrupt with us at the begining, she was really there for my father. I gave her a hug and she did not expect that to happen. The doctors have status of Gods in Romania, and in general you do not touch The Gods. This Godess of ours was indeed a very good professional and passionate lady. I must say the whole team of doctors was fantastic: highly professional, the best in their business.
None of them wanted to accept money, at least not for the time been. They all wanted to make sure my father survived and was well first.
Father opened his eyes again. He looked at me and he wshispered: "send Mirela home". I looked at him, I want to cry again, but I am happy that he talks and that he recognize us.."No, dad, I cannot do that, see we are here both of us, and she cares for you, so I cannot ask her to go..". He couldn't talk very well as he had a tube down his throat, but he made the effort saying: "Send her home to her child, is not good for her to stay here with me, she shouldn't be here..". I knew why is saying that, he was just affraid that she will get scared and cry and get sick. That's my father: always thinking about his girls. I ignored his demand and I continued talking: " You are looking good dad, you did great, I am so proud of you..you need to drink water...I love you dad, we all do..you must get well now, ok?". I took his hand and I kissed it. He had a tear on the corner of his eye. "I love you dad", I keep saying that in my head, and I continue"Thank you God".
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The places with treatment for glioblastome
I am back home now. My sister Roxana had her baby the day my father was releasd from the hospital. I did not get to see the baby nor to be there for my father's release as I had to get back for work.
My father had ups and downs after surgery however now he is well. My mom is not in denial anymore, Roxana knows now what is going on.
Mirela turns out to be the strongest in handling this emotional roller coaster..Magda got sick because she never let it out..She did not go to see a doctor yet..
We are working like one - all four of us, we are suffering very much, but we understand that this is a battle and we will fight until last drop of hope and life.
We contacted all our friends to gather information for this battle. It is so difficult to find out the place with the most succesful survival rate for this form of cancer..
After I got home we found out the nature of my father's tumour: it is cancer. And not any kind but the worst kind. It is called Glioblastome Multiforme. I read all kind of blogs regarding this cancer and the odds are not great.
My father is still recovering after the surgery and we did not have the heart to tell him the truth about his illness.
He looks and behaves normal, his memory is intact and he is actually very emotional lately.
We tried to find a place to cure him, or at least a place where the hope is still alive.
This place is not inBucharest
We translated the results of his tests and of his surgery and we sent it to different professors inEurope .
We are not rich people so we have to admit that we have a problem..because of the amount of money a treatment like this will cost.
My friends told me that I should create a blog (which I did Karen, I hope you are proud of me) and to put myself out there, sharing this experience, and asking for ideas and donations.
I still did not create a pay pall account - not sure how to do that yet, but I'll get there.
Meanwhile I decided to sell all of my paintings because you see I am an artist as well.
I will also create centerpieces for the Christams table and I will sell it 18 of November here in Ottawa.
I am all new on this money-making-for-a-cause process, so if anyone that sees this blog has another idea, just add your comments for me.
I want to thank to Dana G - my chilhood friend - to whom I only speak once in the blue moon - but who was there with us for this battle. She found us a contact and informations, she explained to us the results of the tests..She also told us not to expect miracles. Did I tell you that she is a doctor?
Flori V is a friend that never gives up on me she is the person that was there to help me with contacts and doctor's names and clinic's info.
Domni D another friend of mine that got the Hungary info for us, thank you my dear.
These are clinics that have cutting edge technology in treating glioblastome but they cost money..1. Hungary - Debrecen - price around 6000 Euros - cyberknife technique
http://neurosurgery.info.hu/index.php?lang=ro
Dr Almos, speaks english and the contact number is:
0036-209-736-080
The address is: str Moricz Zsigmond ut #147
2. Anadolu Medical Center - Istanbul, Turcia - price around 20000 Euros - cyberknife techniqueClinic partner John Hopkins - USA
My father had ups and downs after surgery however now he is well. My mom is not in denial anymore, Roxana knows now what is going on.
Mirela turns out to be the strongest in handling this emotional roller coaster..Magda got sick because she never let it out..She did not go to see a doctor yet..
We are working like one - all four of us, we are suffering very much, but we understand that this is a battle and we will fight until last drop of hope and life.
We contacted all our friends to gather information for this battle. It is so difficult to find out the place with the most succesful survival rate for this form of cancer..
After I got home we found out the nature of my father's tumour: it is cancer. And not any kind but the worst kind. It is called Glioblastome Multiforme. I read all kind of blogs regarding this cancer and the odds are not great.
My father is still recovering after the surgery and we did not have the heart to tell him the truth about his illness.
He looks and behaves normal, his memory is intact and he is actually very emotional lately.
We tried to find a place to cure him, or at least a place where the hope is still alive.
This place is not in
We translated the results of his tests and of his surgery and we sent it to different professors in
We are not rich people so we have to admit that we have a problem..because of the amount of money a treatment like this will cost.
My friends told me that I should create a blog (which I did Karen, I hope you are proud of me) and to put myself out there, sharing this experience, and asking for ideas and donations.
I still did not create a pay pall account - not sure how to do that yet, but I'll get there.
Meanwhile I decided to sell all of my paintings because you see I am an artist as well.
I will also create centerpieces for the Christams table and I will sell it 18 of November here in Ottawa.
I am all new on this money-making-for-a-cause process, so if anyone that sees this blog has another idea, just add your comments for me.
I want to thank to Dana G - my chilhood friend - to whom I only speak once in the blue moon - but who was there with us for this battle. She found us a contact and informations, she explained to us the results of the tests..She also told us not to expect miracles. Did I tell you that she is a doctor?
Flori V is a friend that never gives up on me she is the person that was there to help me with contacts and doctor's names and clinic's info.
Domni D another friend of mine that got the Hungary info for us, thank you my dear.
These are clinics that have cutting edge technology in treating glioblastome but they cost money..1. Hungary - Debrecen - price around 6000 Euros - cyberknife technique
http://neurosurgery.info.hu/index.php?lang=ro
Dr Almos, speaks english and the contact number is:
0036-209-736-080
The address is: str Moricz Zsigmond ut #147
2. Anadolu Medical Center - Istanbul, Turcia - price around 20000 Euros - cyberknife techniqueClinic partner John Hopkins - USA
Contact for Romania
mobil +4 0762 28 77 89
email: ReprezentantAnadolu@yahoo.com
site: http://www.anadolumedicalcenter.com/
contact: Camelia BUCUR
mobil +4 0762 28 77 89
email: ReprezentantAnadolu@yahoo.com
site: http://www.anadolumedicalcenter.com/
contact: Camelia BUCUR
site ANADOLU:
3. Vienna - Austria AKH http://www.meduniwien.ac.at/strahlentherapie/en. - Price around 20000 euros (and up)or KREISS - Cancer center for alternative cancer therapy - Dr Thomas Kreiss tel: 439825767 fax 4319826992 - treatment classic and alternative for support.
4. Germany - Bed Meregentheim Hufeland clinic - treatment for cerebral cancer, tel 4979315360.
Clinical trials http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/results?cond=%22Glioblastoma%22
5. Cluj - Romania - I do not have yet a site address but we found someone that has a contact there, we do not have yet the prices.
5. Cluj - Romania - I do not have yet a site address but we found someone that has a contact there, we do not have yet the prices.
My father's cancer: Glioblastome multiforme
Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM) is the most common and most aggressive type of primary brain tumor in humans, involving glial cells and accounting for 52% of all parenchymal brain tumor cases and 20% of all intracranial tumors. Despite being the most prevalent form of primary brain tumor, GBMs occur in only 2–3 cases per 100,000 people in Europe and North America. According to the WHO classification of the tumors of the central nervous system, the standard name for this brain tumor is "glioblastoma"; it presents two variants: giant cell glioblastoma and gliosarcoma. Glioblastomas are also an important brain tumor of the canine, and research is ongoing to use this as a model for developing treatments in humans.[1] Treatment can involve chemotherapy, radiation, radiosurgery, corticosteroids, antiangiogenic therapy, and surgery.[2]
Excepting the brainstem gliomas, glioblastoma has the worst prognosis of any CNS malignancy. Despite multimodality treatment consisting of open craniotomy with surgical resection of as much of the tumor as possible, followed by concurrent or sequential chemoradiotherapy, antiangiogenic therapy with bevacizumab, gamma knife radiosurgery, and symptomatic care with corticosteroids, median survival is about 14 months.[3]
Excepting the brainstem gliomas, glioblastoma has the worst prognosis of any CNS malignancy. Despite multimodality treatment consisting of open craniotomy with surgical resection of as much of the tumor as possible, followed by concurrent or sequential chemoradiotherapy, antiangiogenic therapy with bevacizumab, gamma knife radiosurgery, and symptomatic care with corticosteroids, median survival is about 14 months.[3]
Monday, November 1, 2010
The surgery
The surgery supposed to happen on Friday last week, but it did not.
Father has other health issues as well. Beside his heart, he has kidney insufficiency and lungs fibrosis.
The level of potassium is to high so it will be dangerous for him to have the surgery before the level goes down.
Monday was the same, still too high..
Tuesday, I made it back in the hospital after the morning visit after spending some hours outisde because I was escorted out earlier that morning(this is the doctors visiting their assigned patients) and Magda arrived as well.
I am behaving as if I am the happiest camper in the Universe, I make my father smile.
He thinks that I am beautiful and I am looking way younger than I am.
The doctor is coming by saying that they do not know yet if father is going to have the surgery today. We are all tired and we cannot take that anymore. Magda goes after each of the doctors that suppose to be involved in my father's surgery. She talks with each of them; practically she is begging them to go ahead with the procedure.
They did some other tests, for which of course we have to find the right person and take care of, and then they announce that yes it will happen that day.
We are all ok with that, we are preparing father, I am making a fool of myself by telling all kind of stories, time is passing and no-one is coming to take my father for the surgery.
It is and the anaesthetist is coming. Magda and I we are going outside the room on the hall to talk with her. She does not feel comfortable to go ahead with my father today..Magda goes crazy but she contains herself, however she is pushing the issue. I am so tired as I did not sleep since Saturday, I just listen for a while.
At the end I ask the doctor: " What would you have done if our father was your father?" She stops from the argument and she looks at me as if I dropped right there directly from the moon. She is answering: "is not my problem, he is not my father". I continue "but what if he was".
My mom heard us having this heated conversation and she joined us in the hall. She is asking the doctor if she means that we have to take him home and wait for him to die.
The doctor looked at us and said" Ok, fine, but this is on you, if something happens is on you only.."
We went back in father's room and we are explaining to him, carefully that there are some risks; I told him that he needs to take this decision whatever will that be. He said: "let's do it, let's end this one way or another.."
They prepared him and they took him away.
We are going outside the hospital for few minutes, we have to take all his things from the room and put it in the car for now as his bed was already occupied by another patient even before my father was taken away..
We signed that we agreed with the risks involving the surgery so we assumed his death..
Mom burst in tears asking us and herself if we made the good decision. I looked at her and I answered: "Mom, You did not take any decision, nor did we..father choose and now is only God's call.."
Mom was torturing herself saying that maybe she should have looked for signs, maybe she should have done something different..."There is nothing that you could have done mom, this is the right thing to do.."
Magda looked at me with icy eyes: "Is it? How do you know??"..
Magda is a mess but she is holding it together, she will not shed a tier..as if someone will judge her or something.. She did not sleep either and she is away from her son for more than a week now.
Since all this started Magda was the one finding a network and finding all these doctors, professors, etc.
She cannot either let him die.
I look at her, and suddenly I see myself in her, another side of me, or maybe is my father's reflection. I don't know anymore..
I asked them to go pray; there is a church in the hospital's yard. Father was telling me the other day, that the sick people do not have to worry about anything, they go from the hospital directly in the church and then in the ground. "haha, I said, very funny.." but it wasn't me laughing..
After a while we went back to wait for news. My sister Mirela arrives along with Magda's husband.
We were waiting quietly. The doctors are coming out one by one; no one is saying a word. I feel I am going to die. I feel that my sisters and my mom are going to die too.
Finally one that talks comes out..The tumour was removed, brain was removed around it and it was a "bad" tumour. Father was still alive. They said that we needed to wait the first two nights because they are critical..
They brought my father from surgery, we are looking at him, he looked like he was dead, IV's everywhere and a big bandage around his head.
That was all I wanted to hear: he was alive, at least for now.
Father has other health issues as well. Beside his heart, he has kidney insufficiency and lungs fibrosis.
The level of potassium is to high so it will be dangerous for him to have the surgery before the level goes down.
Monday was the same, still too high..
Tuesday, I made it back in the hospital after the morning visit after spending some hours outisde because I was escorted out earlier that morning(this is the doctors visiting their assigned patients) and Magda arrived as well.
I am behaving as if I am the happiest camper in the Universe, I make my father smile.
He thinks that I am beautiful and I am looking way younger than I am.
The doctor is coming by saying that they do not know yet if father is going to have the surgery today. We are all tired and we cannot take that anymore. Magda goes after each of the doctors that suppose to be involved in my father's surgery. She talks with each of them; practically she is begging them to go ahead with the procedure.
They did some other tests, for which of course we have to find the right person and take care of, and then they announce that yes it will happen that day.
We are all ok with that, we are preparing father, I am making a fool of myself by telling all kind of stories, time is passing and no-one is coming to take my father for the surgery.
It is and the anaesthetist is coming. Magda and I we are going outside the room on the hall to talk with her. She does not feel comfortable to go ahead with my father today..Magda goes crazy but she contains herself, however she is pushing the issue. I am so tired as I did not sleep since Saturday, I just listen for a while.
At the end I ask the doctor: " What would you have done if our father was your father?" She stops from the argument and she looks at me as if I dropped right there directly from the moon. She is answering: "is not my problem, he is not my father". I continue "but what if he was".
My mom heard us having this heated conversation and she joined us in the hall. She is asking the doctor if she means that we have to take him home and wait for him to die.
The doctor looked at us and said" Ok, fine, but this is on you, if something happens is on you only.."
We went back in father's room and we are explaining to him, carefully that there are some risks; I told him that he needs to take this decision whatever will that be. He said: "let's do it, let's end this one way or another.."
They prepared him and they took him away.
We are going outside the hospital for few minutes, we have to take all his things from the room and put it in the car for now as his bed was already occupied by another patient even before my father was taken away..
We signed that we agreed with the risks involving the surgery so we assumed his death..
Mom burst in tears asking us and herself if we made the good decision. I looked at her and I answered: "Mom, You did not take any decision, nor did we..father choose and now is only God's call.."
Mom was torturing herself saying that maybe she should have looked for signs, maybe she should have done something different..."There is nothing that you could have done mom, this is the right thing to do.."
Magda looked at me with icy eyes: "Is it? How do you know??"..
Magda is a mess but she is holding it together, she will not shed a tier..as if someone will judge her or something.. She did not sleep either and she is away from her son for more than a week now.
Since all this started Magda was the one finding a network and finding all these doctors, professors, etc.
She cannot either let him die.
I look at her, and suddenly I see myself in her, another side of me, or maybe is my father's reflection. I don't know anymore..
I asked them to go pray; there is a church in the hospital's yard. Father was telling me the other day, that the sick people do not have to worry about anything, they go from the hospital directly in the church and then in the ground. "haha, I said, very funny.." but it wasn't me laughing..
After a while we went back to wait for news. My sister Mirela arrives along with Magda's husband.
We were waiting quietly. The doctors are coming out one by one; no one is saying a word. I feel I am going to die. I feel that my sisters and my mom are going to die too.
Finally one that talks comes out..The tumour was removed, brain was removed around it and it was a "bad" tumour. Father was still alive. They said that we needed to wait the first two nights because they are critical..
They brought my father from surgery, we are looking at him, he looked like he was dead, IV's everywhere and a big bandage around his head.
That was all I wanted to hear: he was alive, at least for now.
The before surgery
I got back to the hospital next day: Sunday.
I took the night shifts with my mom and I let Magda to take the day shifts with my mom.
Magda will cook during the day and bring the food to the hospital. Oh yes: I forgot to talk about this..The food. The hospital's food was regular food with no concern for dietary needs of the patients; hence we had to take care of that too.
Sunday night was not good; my father's state is getting worse by the hour.
He was in pain and he could not take it anymore. The tumour was pressing agains his brain making him sicker by the hour; the hiccups were given by the tumour.
My first night I spent it either in the room or in the hall, standing. There is no chair so I couldn't sit. I paid the nurse and add softly and very shy "please Miss, take care of my father". There is a "bribe etiquette" I found out. Mom was terrified that I may give the "incorrect" amount of money given that the currency changed since I left nine years ago. She was afraid that I may offend the person giving to little amount of bribe. and of course we couldn't have that happen. I asked her if I have to go into their personal space and put the money in their pocket, she said "yes, invade their personal space, the hell with it, make sure you are telling them for which patient your are giving money..and make sure you are polite. They are expecting that of you."
I then wanted to go and ask the nurse to not smoke in the middle of the night by my father's door. My mom stopped me saying that we are the tolerated there and I should start to behave myself..
I went several times after the nurse who was downstairs in a different room than she supposed to be during night. I noticed then, when I knocked at the door and get in the "Nurse" room that they are all in there, and they also have a bed in which they were resting.
I will be humble like my mom told to be, eyes down and asking softly and politely for her to come and give my father a needle for his pain. I will do same (go after her) when he needed his treatment's or when his IV's drugs ended and needed to be changed, or when he needed to have the IV removed because he wanted to go to the washroom.
That was me helping. She will say: "yes just a minute", and after a while she will come.
By then dad will just have to men-up and suffer.
She was a nice nurse.
Monday night was a different story. I bothered the nurse four times now, I went after her in the middle of the night, and because of that she had me escorted outside the hospital, in the rain, by the hospital's guard. I did pay her before all that, giving her the right amount of money, I ignored she was smoking, and I was humble. But I dared to woke her up the fourth time and that was it. She yelled at me saying that she will report me to the doctor, she gave however to my father the shot, and then she had me escorted out. My mom was again alone with him and trying by herself to get him to the washroom. She looked at me as if I was screwing up, and I felt horrible.
Once outside in the rain without an umbrella, surrounded by the stray dogs, I started crying and cursing.
I was not a Lady anymore I was just a frustrated bitch that wanted to beat the shit out of that "Miss" nurse..
And the rain was coming down through my skin, getting mixed with my tears and my howling. No one was there to hear me or to care for that matter.
"God! where are you?", I asked and I continued crying at in the morning.
I took the night shifts with my mom and I let Magda to take the day shifts with my mom.
Magda will cook during the day and bring the food to the hospital. Oh yes: I forgot to talk about this..The food. The hospital's food was regular food with no concern for dietary needs of the patients; hence we had to take care of that too.
Sunday night was not good; my father's state is getting worse by the hour.
He was in pain and he could not take it anymore. The tumour was pressing agains his brain making him sicker by the hour; the hiccups were given by the tumour.
My first night I spent it either in the room or in the hall, standing. There is no chair so I couldn't sit. I paid the nurse and add softly and very shy "please Miss, take care of my father". There is a "bribe etiquette" I found out. Mom was terrified that I may give the "incorrect" amount of money given that the currency changed since I left nine years ago. She was afraid that I may offend the person giving to little amount of bribe. and of course we couldn't have that happen. I asked her if I have to go into their personal space and put the money in their pocket, she said "yes, invade their personal space, the hell with it, make sure you are telling them for which patient your are giving money..and make sure you are polite. They are expecting that of you."
I then wanted to go and ask the nurse to not smoke in the middle of the night by my father's door. My mom stopped me saying that we are the tolerated there and I should start to behave myself..
I went several times after the nurse who was downstairs in a different room than she supposed to be during night. I noticed then, when I knocked at the door and get in the "Nurse" room that they are all in there, and they also have a bed in which they were resting.
I will be humble like my mom told to be, eyes down and asking softly and politely for her to come and give my father a needle for his pain. I will do same (go after her) when he needed his treatment's or when his IV's drugs ended and needed to be changed, or when he needed to have the IV removed because he wanted to go to the washroom.
That was me helping. She will say: "yes just a minute", and after a while she will come.
By then dad will just have to men-up and suffer.
She was a nice nurse.
Monday night was a different story. I bothered the nurse four times now, I went after her in the middle of the night, and because of that she had me escorted outside the hospital, in the rain, by the hospital's guard. I did pay her before all that, giving her the right amount of money, I ignored she was smoking, and I was humble. But I dared to woke her up the fourth time and that was it. She yelled at me saying that she will report me to the doctor, she gave however to my father the shot, and then she had me escorted out. My mom was again alone with him and trying by herself to get him to the washroom. She looked at me as if I was screwing up, and I felt horrible.
Once outside in the rain without an umbrella, surrounded by the stray dogs, I started crying and cursing.
I was not a Lady anymore I was just a frustrated bitch that wanted to beat the shit out of that "Miss" nurse..
And the rain was coming down through my skin, getting mixed with my tears and my howling. No one was there to hear me or to care for that matter.
"God! where are you?", I asked and I continued crying at in the morning.
My father
I am watching through the car's window all these grey buildings and all these grey people.
I am a grey person too.
It is raining.
We get to the hospital and the first thing that strikes me is the stray dogs wandering around inside the hospital's parking lot.
My brother in law pays the guard at the hospital so we will be able to go in. That's right: I forgot that you have to bribe everybody for every little thing..
The hospital is undergoing renovations. We got in.
Tons of wires from the ceiling are coming down on the stairs, there is so hot inside that I feel my skin will burst. I am amazed, cannot believe that there are sick people in such a building. But they are.
Magda looks at me and then we open the door.
My father is lying in the bed; my mom by his side sitting on a little chair. I do not see anything else but him. He looks alert and sad. "Looks who's here" Magda says.
Father is trying to get up, he cannot by himself, and I rushed at his side to help him. He has IV's everywhere and tears in his eyes.
He squeezes my hand slowly and we hug. He is happy to see me, I am happy to see him. Is asking with a soft voice:” Why are you going trhough all this, child? To come from the other side of the world to see me...you must have spent a lot of money… you shouldn't have.."
I feel my tears in my eyes and I feel I cannot do this anymore. I want to scream and cry but I see my mom and I contain myself..
I say only: "Com'on dad, how can I not be here? I wanted to be here, you do not worry about me. The trip was great, everything is going to be just fine. How are you?". He is really sick, I can see that now. He looks pale, weak and he has a horrible hiccup sort of spasm..
I start talking like I am broken; I am telling them all kind of stupid things about my trip trying to make him laugh. Suddenly I realise there are people in the room.
The room is very small but somehow the hospital managed to put four beds in this tiny room. Everybody has some-one from their own family to take care of them. I remember now that Magda told me that the hospital is short in personnel so they allow family members to stay in the hospital and take care of their beloved. There is no waiting room of some sort. There is no chair on the hall. There is no hope left in this place. It smells like toilet..
Mom was in the hospital for a week and she was sleeping on this little miserable chair by my father's bed.
She looks like someone punched her in the stomach; she looks very small, tired and very sick too...
My sister Magda was helping her during the day since all this started.
I am trying to understand the unwritten rules: "You must give $10 to the nurse, $5 to the cleaning lady, etc.." The voices are fading away in my ears. I understand the language but I do not understand what they are saying. The great bribe again..I shall never forget about it.
I am tired and the heat is making my head heavy. We have to leave because the evening visit is coming..Of course I still do not understand what that means. I hug again my father, he starts to cry while burying his head in my neck. He keeps saying that I should have not come. I love him; it just hit me like a truck. I cannot allow him to die.
We leave. On my way out I see the nurses smoking in the hospital under the sign with "No smoke". The smoke gets right inside the small-toilet-smelling rooms. My sister Magda will stay with my mom, my brother in law will drive me to my sister Roxana to see her too. Roxi has no idea of what is really going on. Roxi was in bed rest for a while and she did not go to see my father, doctor's orders and mom's.
I see her briefly; she is tiny with a big belly. I hug her we talk little things; I cannot say anything about my father to her.
Then I leave with my brother in law to my home town where my other sister Mirela, Magda and my parents are living.
It is raining, it is cold and it is dark. And I am just grey.
I am a grey person too.
It is raining.
We get to the hospital and the first thing that strikes me is the stray dogs wandering around inside the hospital's parking lot.
My brother in law pays the guard at the hospital so we will be able to go in. That's right: I forgot that you have to bribe everybody for every little thing..
The hospital is undergoing renovations. We got in.
Tons of wires from the ceiling are coming down on the stairs, there is so hot inside that I feel my skin will burst. I am amazed, cannot believe that there are sick people in such a building. But they are.
Magda looks at me and then we open the door.
My father is lying in the bed; my mom by his side sitting on a little chair. I do not see anything else but him. He looks alert and sad. "Looks who's here" Magda says.
Father is trying to get up, he cannot by himself, and I rushed at his side to help him. He has IV's everywhere and tears in his eyes.
He squeezes my hand slowly and we hug. He is happy to see me, I am happy to see him. Is asking with a soft voice:” Why are you going trhough all this, child? To come from the other side of the world to see me...you must have spent a lot of money… you shouldn't have.."
I feel my tears in my eyes and I feel I cannot do this anymore. I want to scream and cry but I see my mom and I contain myself..
I say only: "Com'on dad, how can I not be here? I wanted to be here, you do not worry about me. The trip was great, everything is going to be just fine. How are you?". He is really sick, I can see that now. He looks pale, weak and he has a horrible hiccup sort of spasm..
I start talking like I am broken; I am telling them all kind of stupid things about my trip trying to make him laugh. Suddenly I realise there are people in the room.
The room is very small but somehow the hospital managed to put four beds in this tiny room. Everybody has some-one from their own family to take care of them. I remember now that Magda told me that the hospital is short in personnel so they allow family members to stay in the hospital and take care of their beloved. There is no waiting room of some sort. There is no chair on the hall. There is no hope left in this place. It smells like toilet..
Mom was in the hospital for a week and she was sleeping on this little miserable chair by my father's bed.
She looks like someone punched her in the stomach; she looks very small, tired and very sick too...
My sister Magda was helping her during the day since all this started.
I am trying to understand the unwritten rules: "You must give $10 to the nurse, $5 to the cleaning lady, etc.." The voices are fading away in my ears. I understand the language but I do not understand what they are saying. The great bribe again..I shall never forget about it.
I am tired and the heat is making my head heavy. We have to leave because the evening visit is coming..Of course I still do not understand what that means. I hug again my father, he starts to cry while burying his head in my neck. He keeps saying that I should have not come. I love him; it just hit me like a truck. I cannot allow him to die.
We leave. On my way out I see the nurses smoking in the hospital under the sign with "No smoke". The smoke gets right inside the small-toilet-smelling rooms. My sister Magda will stay with my mom, my brother in law will drive me to my sister Roxana to see her too. Roxi has no idea of what is really going on. Roxi was in bed rest for a while and she did not go to see my father, doctor's orders and mom's.
I see her briefly; she is tiny with a big belly. I hug her we talk little things; I cannot say anything about my father to her.
Then I leave with my brother in law to my home town where my other sister Mirela, Magda and my parents are living.
It is raining, it is cold and it is dark. And I am just grey.
Friday, October 29, 2010
The trip to Bucharest
This trip was my first trip by myself. I have been married for 21 years and never by myself. Everything that I do involves my husband, any vacation, any going away weekend; practically everything in our life involves both of us.
My husband Ov was not thrilled that I am flying by myself, he was sick with worries. I knew that, although he tried hard to not let me see his worries. He couldn't come with me either due to his work and of course due to money.
I cried all the time, but I did not let him see me. I cried only when I was by myself in the airport and while in the plane. I was for the first time scared of flying. Last thing I needed was a panic attack and I almost had one. Good thing was that I had prescribed some pills for such situations. So I put one under my tongue when the plane's engines started to roar, asked for wine and fall asleep. When I woke up the pilot was announcing the weather inLondon
I got off there and after going through a second round of check-in I was able to detect the gate were the second flight was taking off.
I got inBucharest
My luggage was the last to show, and on top of that I had to change my clothes and put some make up to look decent. I surprised myself with a strength that I wasn't sure I had. I was all put together when I was walking out of the checkout of the airport.
My sister Magda and her husband were waiting for me there.
I haven't seen them in two years to the date, in other words I did not see them since last time when I visited my family.
We hugged shortly, we made few jokes regarding the flight and we avoided big time to acknowledge the reason of my visit.
My sister said to me that I must not be shocked when I am going to see father. She told me that his health deteriored very fast and that I have to brace myself.
I got at the hospital.
My husband Ov was not thrilled that I am flying by myself, he was sick with worries. I knew that, although he tried hard to not let me see his worries. He couldn't come with me either due to his work and of course due to money.
I cried all the time, but I did not let him see me. I cried only when I was by myself in the airport and while in the plane. I was for the first time scared of flying. Last thing I needed was a panic attack and I almost had one. Good thing was that I had prescribed some pills for such situations. So I put one under my tongue when the plane's engines started to roar, asked for wine and fall asleep. When I woke up the pilot was announcing the weather in
I got off there and after going through a second round of check-in I was able to detect the gate were the second flight was taking off.
I got in
My luggage was the last to show, and on top of that I had to change my clothes and put some make up to look decent. I surprised myself with a strength that I wasn't sure I had. I was all put together when I was walking out of the checkout of the airport.
My sister Magda and her husband were waiting for me there.
I haven't seen them in two years to the date, in other words I did not see them since last time when I visited my family.
We hugged shortly, we made few jokes regarding the flight and we avoided big time to acknowledge the reason of my visit.
My sister said to me that I must not be shocked when I am going to see father. She told me that his health deteriored very fast and that I have to brace myself.
I got at the hospital.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The day we found out
You think your parents will live forever...You think they are strong and healthy and they are here on earth just to annoy you and make you angry..........
You love them, but you do not feel the need to say that because you know they know it....
Of course they do not say it to you either so that makes it ok. You carry on with your little boring life, which in your less-than-wise mind, you think that is the MOST important thing you are doing..
Then one day: bam! your life goes down in flame because your strong annoying father (which you love dearly) gets brain cancer...
So, let me tell you how we the girls (four of us) found out that father has a brain tumor.
I was going crazy over the way my sisters should pack the gift from me for my mom's birthday. You see, I am living in a different country than they do, my family I mean. I sent back home a bunch of photos from my recent vacation and some money for my mom. I also sent a gift bag and of course the famous "fluff" paper. I got so far in being annal about how to bag the gift that I sent them photos of a bag-with-fluff..
My sisters did everything I asked of them regarding the gift.
So there they are, with the gifts and everything, and taking pics and being happy.
My mom, cute and little as she is, asked the two of my sisters present at the event, to look at my father because she was under the impression that his mouth was not right, it looked to her that he had a stroke or something.
Of course my sisters took the suggestion and they looked carefully at my father. Mom was right..something was not quite right with him.
Both of them insisted that father will go to have a check out done on Monday (the day of the party was Saturday).
My father wasn't totally in agreement with that, however in order to make them happy, he promised he will go to have that check out.
You probably wonder why I keep saying "my two sisters", when we are four..well, my baby sister was on bed rest as she was waiting her first baby, and due to possible risks for the baby she could not travel.
Anyway..
Monday the day after my mom's party, I was chatting with my sister and we were just discussing the pics she had sent to me with the "wrapped-by-the-book" gift, when she wrote to me: "just a second, mom is calling" so I waited..and then after few minutes,she wrote back: "dad has a brain tumor...I cannot move I am paralyzed..". I am at the other end of the world, and first thing crossing my mind is "this is a mistake, cannot be.." and then after seconds of silence I said " ok call Magda (my other sister which is living in my home town), I will try to find a flight and come there.."
That was it. Just like that.
I started crying and I called my husband on his cellular.....I was screaming with pain and despair, he couldn't understand a world that I was saying... what can I say?!...I was in shock.. Next thing I remember doing was trying finding a flight that week and making the arrangements at work for taking vacation and going away.
You love them, but you do not feel the need to say that because you know they know it....
Of course they do not say it to you either so that makes it ok. You carry on with your little boring life, which in your less-than-wise mind, you think that is the MOST important thing you are doing..
Then one day: bam! your life goes down in flame because your strong annoying father (which you love dearly) gets brain cancer...
So, let me tell you how we the girls (four of us) found out that father has a brain tumor.
I was going crazy over the way my sisters should pack the gift from me for my mom's birthday. You see, I am living in a different country than they do, my family I mean. I sent back home a bunch of photos from my recent vacation and some money for my mom. I also sent a gift bag and of course the famous "fluff" paper. I got so far in being annal about how to bag the gift that I sent them photos of a bag-with-fluff..
My sisters did everything I asked of them regarding the gift.
So there they are, with the gifts and everything, and taking pics and being happy.
My mom, cute and little as she is, asked the two of my sisters present at the event, to look at my father because she was under the impression that his mouth was not right, it looked to her that he had a stroke or something.
Of course my sisters took the suggestion and they looked carefully at my father. Mom was right..something was not quite right with him.
Both of them insisted that father will go to have a check out done on Monday (the day of the party was Saturday).
My father wasn't totally in agreement with that, however in order to make them happy, he promised he will go to have that check out.
You probably wonder why I keep saying "my two sisters", when we are four..well, my baby sister was on bed rest as she was waiting her first baby, and due to possible risks for the baby she could not travel.
Anyway..
Monday the day after my mom's party, I was chatting with my sister and we were just discussing the pics she had sent to me with the "wrapped-by-the-book" gift, when she wrote to me: "just a second, mom is calling" so I waited..and then after few minutes,she wrote back: "dad has a brain tumor...I cannot move I am paralyzed..". I am at the other end of the world, and first thing crossing my mind is "this is a mistake, cannot be.." and then after seconds of silence I said " ok call Magda (my other sister which is living in my home town), I will try to find a flight and come there.."
That was it. Just like that.
I started crying and I called my husband on his cellular.....I was screaming with pain and despair, he couldn't understand a world that I was saying... what can I say?!...I was in shock.. Next thing I remember doing was trying finding a flight that week and making the arrangements at work for taking vacation and going away.
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