My father

I am watching through the car's window all these grey buildings and all these grey people.
I am a grey person too.
It is raining.
We get to the hospital and the first thing that strikes me is the stray dogs wandering around inside the hospital's parking lot.
My brother in law pays the guard at the hospital so we will be able to go in. That's right: I forgot that you have to bribe everybody for every little thing..
The hospital is undergoing renovations. We got in.
Tons of wires from the ceiling are coming down on the stairs, there is so hot inside that I feel my skin will burst. I am amazed, cannot believe that there are sick people in such a building. But they are.
Magda looks at me and then we open the door.
My father is lying in the bed; my mom by his side sitting on a little chair. I do not see anything else but him. He looks alert and sad. "Looks who's here" Magda says.
Father is trying to get up, he cannot by himself, and I rushed at his side to help him. He has IV's everywhere and tears in his eyes.
He squeezes my hand slowly and we hug. He is happy to see me, I am happy to see him. Is asking with a soft voice:” Why are you going trhough all this, child? To come from the other side of the world to see me...you must have spent a lot of money… you shouldn't have.."
I feel my tears in my eyes and I feel I cannot do this anymore. I want to scream and cry but I see my mom and I contain myself..
I say only: "Com'on dad, how can I not be here? I wanted to be here, you do not worry about me. The trip was great, everything is going to be just fine. How are you?". He is really sick, I can see that now. He looks pale, weak and he has a horrible hiccup sort of spasm..
I start talking like I am broken; I am telling them all kind of stupid things about my trip trying to make him laugh. Suddenly I realise there are people in the room.
The room is very small but somehow the hospital managed to put four beds in this tiny room. Everybody has some-one from their own family to take care of them. I remember now that Magda told me that the hospital is short in personnel so they allow family members to stay in the hospital and take care of their beloved. There is no waiting room of some sort. There is no chair on the hall. There is no hope left in this place. It smells like toilet..
Mom was in the hospital for a week and she was sleeping on this little miserable chair by my father's bed.
She looks like someone punched her in the stomach; she looks very small, tired and very sick too...
My sister Magda was helping her during the day since all this started.
I am trying to understand the unwritten rules: "You must give $10 to the nurse, $5 to the cleaning lady, etc.." The voices are fading away in my ears. I understand the language but I do not understand what they are saying. The great bribe again..I shall never forget about it.
I am tired and the heat is making my head heavy. We have to leave because the evening visit is coming..Of course I still do not understand what that means. I hug again my father, he starts to cry while burying his head in my neck. He keeps saying that I should have not come. I love him; it just hit me like a truck. I cannot allow him to die.
We leave. On my way out I see the nurses smoking in the hospital under the sign with "No smoke". The smoke gets right inside the small-toilet-smelling rooms. My sister Magda will stay with my mom, my brother in law will drive me to my sister Roxana to see her too. Roxi has no idea of what is really going on. Roxi was in bed rest for a while and she did not go to see my father, doctor's orders and mom's.
I see her briefly; she is tiny with a big belly. I hug her we talk little things; I cannot say anything about my father to her.
Then I leave with my brother in law to my home town where my other sister Mirela, Magda and my parents are living.
It is raining, it is cold and it is dark. And I am just grey.