It's over..

After two years of pain and sufferance the battle is over.
Dad past on September the 30th 2012 after a 13 hours agony.
I made it to the funeral.
I hope he is now in a better place. Dad I miss you, I will always do.

Back to square 1 - new surgery required after one year..

I haven't been here for a while.. Meanwhile my father finished one year of chemo.
I went to see him in August. He looked good considering.. I had a great week of vacation with him and with my family.
We recently learned the cancer is back and it is strong. It looks it extended towards the left side of the brain as well.
We consulted more than one specialist. He requires a new surgery.. We told him about that today.
He said he will go ahead with the surgery but only in Romania (not in Hungary) and only after the Holidays..
the chemo treatment will include this time a drug called avistan which although effective for few months is very expensive, even worse than the temodal was..
We are all overwhelmed and of course very upset..
I did not yet recover from the shock of the last year surgery, and now this... I am not sure how I am going to get through this again..I am not sure how my whole family will get through this again..
Cancer sucks.

New chemo

I spoke with my father last week. He was having a cold (again) but he was OK, as much he could be.
Roxana brought them the baby, and dad was suddenly younger. His voice sounded young.
Magda told me that we are to fix his kidneys deficiency. He always had a kidneys problem but never really bother to fix. Today he started again chemo. One more month to go and then back to Debrecen he goes for follow up.
I noticed that he was in good spirit lately. I am not sure if is a permanent thing or just a phase.
I just realised that my parents do not know to function as a couple anymore. Is not the cancer that drives them crazy, but themselves, each other. They always had children around, grand children, etc. They only have been together as a couple without children, briefly before I come around..So that is why is so difficult now...
I succeeded to make them say I love you every time we finish a phone conversation. Isn't this something? They never say it in my family, they feel is wrong to do it...but now finally they say it to me. I am not sure if they will ever say it to my sisters, I think they will find that weird..
Anyway, I very much I love you too mom and dad.

The follow up with the Hungarian doctor

This week my parents went to Hungary for a follow up check up.
It appears that on my father's brain there are two signs that could be either scars from the prior surgery or two roots of two new tumours.
The doctor said that is to soon for him to tell that father is entirely cancer free. He gave my father two more sessions of chemo, and he is expecting my father back the end of April.
My father still believes that all this was just a doctor "mambo-jumbo" and that he was (Imagine) healthy before the surgery and he never had cancer..So he is still in denial. I am not expecting him to embrace cancer but I hoped he will be reasonable about it. But he is not. Although he should not drive any longer he wants to go by himself in Hungary in April. If you try to talk him out he will be very depressed thinking that we are treating him this way because we do not consider him normal due to his brain surgery (which he should never had done in his opinion).
Mom is very tired of all this, dad is very difficult to live with lately.
Life goes on, we are happy for now, and for this second we will hope that dad will be himself again.

The first signs of chemo's second effects

This week is the forth phase of chemo.
My father started to feel sick from his stomach and he started vomiting. He also refuses to eat meat and he become very picky in choosing what he wants or can eat. He does not want to move, he feels weak and all he wants is to stay in bed. I told to my mother that she needs to force him to get up because this is the beginning of the end if she does not. Next week or so he will have an MRI done, and then on the 9th of March they will go to Hungary to see the doctor. The month of March is a make it or break it month.
The other thing that worries me is that he also has a lung fibrosis which in Romania is not really seen as a big deal illness but when I looked it up on internet I discovered that the odds of life with that illness are 5 years.
I am a positive person in general but I do not know anymore. Mom is down, she cannot take it anymore, dad is very difficult and he is more and more like a child who does not listen. My father is very stubborn. He told my mom that he should have died and she will be now happy and getting over it.. Mom was devastated.
I am not sure if this is the way the people with cancer react, but he hurts mom's feelings, and he is almost mean sometimes. Very though to be around him.
Mom never leaves the house so he will not be alone. I told my sisters that she needs to go out, without him, for any reason: maybe windows shopping, anything, just for her to breathe a little.
Is that bad of me?

I had a bad flu this past week, in fact I had to stay home that bad was. At the same time my hubby Ovidiu, fell on the ice on the side of our house while preparing bbq and he broke the left side maxillary under the eye. He drove himself to emergency on Sunday morning and after 9 hours he got the news that he has 4 fractures. He was swollen, swore, and with a black eye. The good news was that he does not need surgery if he does not get an infection. Monday he got my flu, so you understand that he sneezes, coughs, and he wants to blow his nose..We have seen our doctor, he got a note to stay home and today will go to see a maxillo-facial surgeon to see if everything ok.
At the same time he got a phone call from work and he has been advised that his company does not pay sick leave. What kind of company is that, and above all how is that possible in Canada??

Anyway that is it in a nutshell.

What to do

Recently I have thought that I should have a vacation. I want to go again to New York , for at least just a long weekend. I haven't decided yet because I am not sure what is going to happen with my father..
I talked with Magda, my sister, and I felt selfish. She will not go in vacation until things with my father are not getting better. That means that she will sacrifice her family vacation for the greater good.
I do not know what to do.
It is wrong of me to think of a vacation?
What if something happens to my father while I am gone?
What then?
Can I just let things go?
Can I continue leaving my life as before?
And if the answer is yes, why do I feel so guilty??
I am far, I do nothing for my father and my family in general, should I go ahead with my life "business as usual"?
The other day I was telling to Ovidiu (my hubby) that I feel the need to paint again...To create something, to be someone, to make a difference..
And yet I do nothing..
My life is boring.
I have nothing to offer, I do nothing for "the greater good".
I want to volunteer to Ottawa Mission, I want to be part of the Ottawa Youth Program, and yet, I do nothing. Why is that? I am too tired? I am too busy, what in the hell am I? I am just passive and indifferent? Do I neglect my friends? Do I neglect my family? Do I neglect my father? Did I lose hope? Am I losing faith in God? Am I a bad person?
I feel like a major failure. Another low.
That says something: I either need a shrink or I need to run another 6 km tomorrow. Or maybe is just the PMS talking.

Peace out.

Cancer is not easy

Is been a while since I did not write. I have not lost my interest, but rather I left the events take their course. After the first part of chemo my father got pneumonia. He was sick with high fever for two weeks until my sister Magda took father to ER. They gave him a cocktail of drugs (IV) and his fever went down. My father is feeling weak and he has heart problems now.
My mom is tired and stressed. My sister Roxy baptized her baby, Magda still did not go to see a doctor.
I have been to a doctor for my thyroid and now I am waiting for a biopsy. Mirela still is the strongest although I seem that way to them.
I haven't speak with Roxy since before the baptism when I wrote her a very honest email about how I felt about dragging my parents, especially father, to her event, in a different city when dad just finished his chemo. The thing is dad couldn't make it to the baptism because of his pneumonia.
It is still a challenge to get the treatment (the drugs) for him. Everything is a challenge nowadays.   I do not get this: why no one come up with an instruction manual on how to handle a cancer ill family member?
I am seriously thinking to undergo therapy because of this experience. I even advised dad to do so. He feels that he is "normal" and he does not have "brain problems" thus he does not need therapy cause is stupid..
I can talk about myself: I am not feeling normal and I do have "problems".. since all this crazy mess started.
I called home last Wednesday. Dad was home alone. I found him crying. I asked him why he cries, he said because of this life. After an hour of talking with him I make him laugh. I always had this effect on my parents, I always have this effect on my closest friends in general. Somehow I succeed changing their channel and make them laugh. But sometimes I am crying inside, even if I let them see only happiness and silliness.
I asked my sisters to install internet to my parents house. I think it will be therapeutic for them to laugh at least once a week. With me. And of me, and because of me.
School is good, I like it and it keeps me busy.
One of my dearest friend's mom just died last week. Sudden. God rest her soul. I knew that women. She was a fantastic and great women, and she always had good  words for Ovidiu and I. She had a good life, a good husband, and a good daughter. I cried and I thought of her. The kindest women ever. Rest in peace Mrs Velciu.

Peace.