The first signs of chemo's second effects

This week is the forth phase of chemo.
My father started to feel sick from his stomach and he started vomiting. He also refuses to eat meat and he become very picky in choosing what he wants or can eat. He does not want to move, he feels weak and all he wants is to stay in bed. I told to my mother that she needs to force him to get up because this is the beginning of the end if she does not. Next week or so he will have an MRI done, and then on the 9th of March they will go to Hungary to see the doctor. The month of March is a make it or break it month.
The other thing that worries me is that he also has a lung fibrosis which in Romania is not really seen as a big deal illness but when I looked it up on internet I discovered that the odds of life with that illness are 5 years.
I am a positive person in general but I do not know anymore. Mom is down, she cannot take it anymore, dad is very difficult and he is more and more like a child who does not listen. My father is very stubborn. He told my mom that he should have died and she will be now happy and getting over it.. Mom was devastated.
I am not sure if this is the way the people with cancer react, but he hurts mom's feelings, and he is almost mean sometimes. Very though to be around him.
Mom never leaves the house so he will not be alone. I told my sisters that she needs to go out, without him, for any reason: maybe windows shopping, anything, just for her to breathe a little.
Is that bad of me?

I had a bad flu this past week, in fact I had to stay home that bad was. At the same time my hubby Ovidiu, fell on the ice on the side of our house while preparing bbq and he broke the left side maxillary under the eye. He drove himself to emergency on Sunday morning and after 9 hours he got the news that he has 4 fractures. He was swollen, swore, and with a black eye. The good news was that he does not need surgery if he does not get an infection. Monday he got my flu, so you understand that he sneezes, coughs, and he wants to blow his nose..We have seen our doctor, he got a note to stay home and today will go to see a maxillo-facial surgeon to see if everything ok.
At the same time he got a phone call from work and he has been advised that his company does not pay sick leave. What kind of company is that, and above all how is that possible in Canada??

Anyway that is it in a nutshell.

What to do

Recently I have thought that I should have a vacation. I want to go again to New York , for at least just a long weekend. I haven't decided yet because I am not sure what is going to happen with my father..
I talked with Magda, my sister, and I felt selfish. She will not go in vacation until things with my father are not getting better. That means that she will sacrifice her family vacation for the greater good.
I do not know what to do.
It is wrong of me to think of a vacation?
What if something happens to my father while I am gone?
What then?
Can I just let things go?
Can I continue leaving my life as before?
And if the answer is yes, why do I feel so guilty??
I am far, I do nothing for my father and my family in general, should I go ahead with my life "business as usual"?
The other day I was telling to Ovidiu (my hubby) that I feel the need to paint again...To create something, to be someone, to make a difference..
And yet I do nothing..
My life is boring.
I have nothing to offer, I do nothing for "the greater good".
I want to volunteer to Ottawa Mission, I want to be part of the Ottawa Youth Program, and yet, I do nothing. Why is that? I am too tired? I am too busy, what in the hell am I? I am just passive and indifferent? Do I neglect my friends? Do I neglect my family? Do I neglect my father? Did I lose hope? Am I losing faith in God? Am I a bad person?
I feel like a major failure. Another low.
That says something: I either need a shrink or I need to run another 6 km tomorrow. Or maybe is just the PMS talking.

Peace out.

Cancer is not easy

Is been a while since I did not write. I have not lost my interest, but rather I left the events take their course. After the first part of chemo my father got pneumonia. He was sick with high fever for two weeks until my sister Magda took father to ER. They gave him a cocktail of drugs (IV) and his fever went down. My father is feeling weak and he has heart problems now.
My mom is tired and stressed. My sister Roxy baptized her baby, Magda still did not go to see a doctor.
I have been to a doctor for my thyroid and now I am waiting for a biopsy. Mirela still is the strongest although I seem that way to them.
I haven't speak with Roxy since before the baptism when I wrote her a very honest email about how I felt about dragging my parents, especially father, to her event, in a different city when dad just finished his chemo. The thing is dad couldn't make it to the baptism because of his pneumonia.
It is still a challenge to get the treatment (the drugs) for him. Everything is a challenge nowadays.   I do not get this: why no one come up with an instruction manual on how to handle a cancer ill family member?
I am seriously thinking to undergo therapy because of this experience. I even advised dad to do so. He feels that he is "normal" and he does not have "brain problems" thus he does not need therapy cause is stupid..
I can talk about myself: I am not feeling normal and I do have "problems".. since all this crazy mess started.
I called home last Wednesday. Dad was home alone. I found him crying. I asked him why he cries, he said because of this life. After an hour of talking with him I make him laugh. I always had this effect on my parents, I always have this effect on my closest friends in general. Somehow I succeed changing their channel and make them laugh. But sometimes I am crying inside, even if I let them see only happiness and silliness.
I asked my sisters to install internet to my parents house. I think it will be therapeutic for them to laugh at least once a week. With me. And of me, and because of me.
School is good, I like it and it keeps me busy.
One of my dearest friend's mom just died last week. Sudden. God rest her soul. I knew that women. She was a fantastic and great women, and she always had good  words for Ovidiu and I. She had a good life, a good husband, and a good daughter. I cried and I thought of her. The kindest women ever. Rest in peace Mrs Velciu.

Peace.